To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
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PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
monday
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Him: It’s going to be in the mid-70’s tomorrow. What should I wear?
Me: I don’t know…bell bottoms?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me