To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
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i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”