To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
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I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
“Management would like librarians to offer patrons in-depth computer training upon request.”
“But what if, while I’m doing that, the phone rings or another patron comes to the desk with a question?”
“Just try not to have all those things happen at once. It’s called planning.”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
work smarter, not harder
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
thinking about a very short hotdog
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks