@SugarMagicSpice

To whoever lost their iPhone 11 Pro outside Target 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.

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@jrogasm

I’ve been on a diet for a month and I’ve lost exactly 4 weeks.

@TheThomason

Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.

@SanuTweetsU

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

@causticbob

If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.

@GoldenSpirals

A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.

@audipenny

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

@Reverend_Scott

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

@HenpeckedHal

What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.

@Whatevah_Amy

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡