To whoever lost their iPhone 11 Pro outside Target 30 minutes ago, please stop calling my new phone.

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I’ve been on a diet for a month and I’ve lost exactly 4 weeks.


Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.


The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.


If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.

It can either sync or swim.


A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.

I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.


I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me


Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick


What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.


I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡