To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
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Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.