To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I already tried new things thanks.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there