To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
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Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
