Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

My favorite type of men is ramen.

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.

– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar

Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.