Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

lmao

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.

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My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year

BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water

Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school

thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]

Brands during Pride

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!

If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.

DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]

HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please

ME: six

I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again

“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”

“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”

Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks