To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
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Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
scared to check what name she chose
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
