To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
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Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Seems a bit forward
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
A choir of Spring onions
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line