To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
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Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
this is me