To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
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Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
