Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”

Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.

Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.

I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.

Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.

All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.

I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

How animals would run if they were human

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…

NEVER. AGAIN.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????