To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
You Might Also Like
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Whoa… oh I see lol
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized