To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
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breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
“Wait, let me explain..”
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt