Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff

Me: why not?

GENIE: I make the rules

ME: I wish I made the rules

GENIE: …dammit

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.

The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

They’re the worst 😩

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

Me when people tell me secrets I already knew

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

Man: a pack of condoms please.

Cashier: would you like a paper bag?

Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon