Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?

Writer: Mission Impossible 9!

Producer: BRILLIANT!

I’m not wrong

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Jail

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are

ME: Ok

DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut

ME *lip starts trembling*

DENTIST: I see

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

The past three months of 2021 have flown by.

Cause of death: Zumba

I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life