Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself”

*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*

I’m a risk taker

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”

*if vodka could talk

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.