Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.

Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.

Carry on floating head selfie chick.

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand order

I knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!

Her: WHAT?!

Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

*slowly slides PBJ under seat*

We’re finally out of lockdown!!!

Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

Friend: wyd

Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth: