*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
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Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
it was a valiant fight
