Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.

Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

[2 cavemen]

Look what me discover! This game changer!

*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”

*takes back mixtape* FIRE!

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch