*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
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When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
bias laundering edition
