*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
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Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts