I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
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How much for that babysitter?
Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape
I’ll take it!
My arms sometimes get tired during sex and I drop my phone on my face.
wonder if ppl who watch the show Finding Bigfoot are aware that every episode they watch will end with them not finding Bigfoot…
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I built that beach a sandcastle.
Beaches love sandcastles.