@alldrolledup

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

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@mattZillaaaa

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

@jdforshort

How much for that babysitter?

Ma’am, that’s a roll of duct tape

I’ll take it!

@Parker_Simpson

wonder if ppl who watch the show Finding Bigfoot are aware that every episode they watch will end with them not finding Bigfoot…

@revengeofAA

The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?

@daemonic3

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

@Ideal_Victoria

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?