toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
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watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time