toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
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Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
💀💀💀💀
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.