toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
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I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
A short story of betrayal:
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
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Morningbreath
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