toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
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#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
don’t message me unless you have this energy
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
this is the best interaction on twitter
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.