toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
You Might Also Like
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
i was dropped as an adult
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?