toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
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Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries