Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
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Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
never deleting this app.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.