Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.