Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

When you kidnap a writer.

A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

Her: I like guys that are confident

Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.

When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

i would wish you the best but i am the best

[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

when you let your kid brother name your custom player

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*