Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

#SometimesForFun I update signs at work

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

Remorse?

I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.

We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.

Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it

Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”

Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.

Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.