TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
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“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
tweeting shouldn’t cost money but it should flip you on your back like a bug for 15 minutes
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
🏙👨🏼
“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”
Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me
Spell check is for lasers.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”