Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

i choose….tongue

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.

If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

Me: I’m going to poop

Dog: Great I’m coming with you

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?

Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are

7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

Me: Waiter, check please!

Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.

Me: Thank you.

Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.

Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.

Oh. My. God.

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.