Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

Seems kinda suspicious

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

oh good, now I can stop drinking

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!

The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.