Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
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If I was pregnant and people asked when I was due I would say what do you mean
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
“no gods no masters” = leo
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.