Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
You Might Also Like
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
socratic questions
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
thank god the sign was there
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?