Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
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My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
There is no try. There is only give up.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.