Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
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Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then