Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?

*at July 4th cookout*

3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?

Me: [explains the concept of a country]

3:

3: So where is she? Does America have legs?

Me:

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

an airline just for babies.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

[eulogy]

line?

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.

*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS

Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.