Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
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“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES