Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.

Her: Did you find the restroom?

Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

That eye roll….

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*

Priest: What can I do for you son?

Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died

Priest: Oh no I am so sorry

Me: The good news is my dog’s ok

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.

Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.

HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.