Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s settle this like adults.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home

The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

Florida man

a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

Me: I have a problem.

Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.

Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.