Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.

This is my time to shine.

I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.

me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***

*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly

Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything

you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

Morning.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.