Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.

I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.

waiter: wine?

date: I don’t drink

waiter: water?

me: she said she doesn’t drink pal

this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot

me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose

plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears

me: I need to speak to someone else then

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.

Little known fact:

Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?