Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.

If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.

One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.

Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party

Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?

Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.

Me: OMG I love this song

Radio: should I play it again

Me: okay

Radio: fifteen times

Me: wait

Radio: every hour

Me: no

Radio: for the next six months

[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN

The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.