Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

me: my parents aren’t home

911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?

me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”

If my kids invented a drink.

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”