Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

[post sex interview]

reporter: what went wrong out there

me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

What do you call a cow that eats your grass?

A lawn moo-er.

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “redacted”

KID: ████████

JUDGE: correct

Allow me to slip into something more out the window.

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.

Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady

ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?