today a 6 yr old girl asked me if butterflies are flowers that escaped & i was like yo what is yr twitter handle

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Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.


He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then…he insulted my tweets.


this may be controversial to some of you, but ratatouille would demolish stuart little in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close


When someone asks if I want to hold their baby, I casually mention that I’m constantly tempted to see how far I can throw things.


Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night


Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”


I only eat in two situations: when I’m hungry and when I’m not hungry


SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]


Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.


My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.