@plantandmineral

today a 6 yr old girl asked me if butterflies are flowers that escaped & i was like yo what is yr twitter handle

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@BobTheSuit

Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.

@lafpgh

He insulted my sister, and I let it slide. He insulted my mother, and I let it slide. Then…he insulted my tweets.

@yeetztweetz

this may be controversial to some of you, but ratatouille would demolish stuart little in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

@FattMernandez

When someone asks if I want to hold their baby, I casually mention that I’m constantly tempted to see how far I can throw things.

@robin_991

Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night

@TheBoydP

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

@NicestHippo

I only eat in two situations: when I’m hungry and when I’m not hungry

@batkaren

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

@Contwixt

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

@sixfootcandy

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.