[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
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That’s a good costume, I hope.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess