Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😂😂

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

Here, let me loosen those morals for you.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

Not today, today.
Not today.

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins

R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back

i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.

Are people born with photographic memories or do they take time to develop ??

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.

ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.