Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
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scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
No regrets in 2018
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Realize this:
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye