Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body
You Might Also Like
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
The “baby” on the left….
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos