Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever decided to spell “schnapps” was a dippschit.

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: watching Doc McStuffins.

Wife: but the kids are in bed.

Me: so?

Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?

Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?

Wife:

Me:

Wife: so what’s this episode about?

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all