Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

cop: you’re free to go

me: but

cop: go on now

me: please

cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE

me: *runs into the forest*

cop: :'(

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter

GRIM REAPER: well shit

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid

Me: these say they have another week

*throws them in the cart*

“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.