today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
