today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
