today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
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screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
scares