today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
👮♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮♂️
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Easy enough.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
