Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
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SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”