Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
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How dude HOW?!
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
brian had himself a morning…
Good morning!
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil