Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
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I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*