Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
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AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”