Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
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Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
his wife is probably gonna see that
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
skipping every song that reminds me of him
-me, listing to the playlist i made for him
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
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So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
