Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me

date: omg just tell me you’re not interested

cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer