Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:

I don’t usually break into song. BUT…

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.

[first date]

Date: So what do you do for a living?

Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

that’s my husband on the left and me on the right

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”

“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

[spelling bee]

moderator: your word is abandon

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: everyone you love will abandon you

me: omg

moderator: lol no not even close

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

[band rehearsal]

Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?

Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.

My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”