Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.

*installs google translate*

*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*

*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.

Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

Word find for ghosts:

O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o

just make the entire table out of coaster

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.

Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.

Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf