Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
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I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut