Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.

When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

the word: Mildew

my brain: Mother In Law Dew

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

Anime is real

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.