Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
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[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.