Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
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Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me