Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
You Might Also Like
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
*pouring wine over ice cream*
No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
him: you’re an perfect 10.
me: omg, thank you!!! you want to go out some time or—
shoe salesman: i meant, your feet, sir.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.