Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

the noise i just made

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

🌲😼

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back