today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
technique
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Cake!!
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.