today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
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Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Breaking news:
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird