today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
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my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
In banana years, I am bread.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist