today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
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I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.