Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry

Harry: i’m a what

Hagrid: a blizzard

Harry: a what

Hagrid: a scissors

Harry: what

Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward

My patronus is a cheeseburger

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

zone out

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.

Loan Officer: Proposed name?

WP: Hamwitches

[long pause]

LO: Hell yes.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

somewhere, in an alternate universe

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.

If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:

Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.