Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
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i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My plans: 2020:
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?