Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
About 17 years ago my coworker made me a cake for my bday and said that I could “lick the bowl later” and I just realized she may have been flirting with me
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon
